The Joke's On You

The first time I watched through Season 4 of Gossip Girl, something made me really angry. It wasn't the the numerous plot holes (I'm cool with those), or the fact that one of the characters can apparently send text messages from prison (his prison obviously just has really good cellphone options), or the fact that everyone on the show falls in and out of love quicker than a normal person can pee. It was this one line, that came out of Blair's mouth in passing that was the culprit: "Needy dogs are the perfect cause. And they're so much cuter than the babies with cleft palates that you were going to give the money to."

That made me furious. I actually saw red. I felt like throwing things at the television, writing sternly worded letters to some writers, and perhaps even tracking Leighton Meester down & slapping her for having the audacity to agree to saying the line. It took me a long time to sit & think about whether my reaction was justified. It certainly hurt me to hear that babies with clefts are somehow less attractive than puppies, but I'm fairly certain that no one wrote that line to hurt me personally. I'm fairly sure that it wasn't necessarily meant to be hurtful at all, but was merely meant to be a joke - even if in bad taste - coming from the mouth of a particularly bitchy person.

That got me thinking even more - is it ok to joke about disfigurement? The hours that I've spent crying about why my face looks different to other people's & the years that it has taken me to accept my face suggests that this isn't a topic for humour. But, we seem to joke about everything else on television. Whole shows hinge on jokes about people being fat, or stupid, or nerdy, or unfashionable, or ugly or somehow different to everyone else. Where do we draw the line? When is it ok to joke about the traits of a person, or their appearance, and when does it become offensive?

I was certainly offended that someone would joke about a condition that has profoundly affected my life, but I don't know that most people would have even noticed the comment, let alone remembered it. Is is an offensive comment just because I was offended? Is it just a stupid joke that shouldn't get me so butt-hurt if someone else found it funny? I don't think I should have to accept these kinds of comments. I think they further the idea that people born with a cleft lip and/or palate are disgusting, ugly and somehow less than other people.

I suppose in the end, all I can say is this: I was born with a cleft lip & palate. There's nothing I can do about. I couldn't change it even if I wanted to, and it really offends me when people make jokes about it. People will say these things, and worse, and sometimes even try to take pictures of my scars on public transport because they think it's somehow funny, and other than getting really pissed off, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. Living with this can be hard, and ill-placed jokes like these just make it harder.

Fat Girls Can

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Something that was clearly ingrained in my mind during my time being bullied at highschool is that I was fat, and that because of this there were things that I couldn't do. The other kids told me that I would never be beautiful because I was fat. I was told that I would never be successful, or popular because I was fat. There were other children who told me that no one would ever love me, and that I would never be any good because I was fat. But on top of all those other things, people give you so many rules for being fat. You can't wear shorts, because you're fat. You can't wear singlets, or short skirts, or strapless tops, or crop tops, or anything too tight because you're fat. You can't enjoy running, or dancing, or swimming, or life because you're fat. Maybe you shouldn't eat that, you're already fat. A gorgeous guy (or girl) will never fall in love with you, you're fat.

Years went by, and no matter how much weight I lost or gained, I still remembered the rules for fat girls. When you get told cruel things for so long, they stick with you. You start to think irrationally about them. You think, "oh, my thighs look a bit fat today, so I won't wear the skirt or people might jump out of the bushes to tell me that fat girls can't do that, and cart me off to fat girl jail." But you know what? Bullshit rules are nothing but bullshit.

Fat girls can, and do, do all of these things. Fat girls can be beautiful, and successful, and popular, and fat girls can be loved by all sorts of gorgeous people. Fat girls can, and do wear shorts, and singlets, and skirt, and strapless tops, and crop tops, and the tightest, most figure-hugging things available. Fat girls can eat, and drink, and run, and dance, and have crazy sex, and fall in love with how amazing their lives are. Fat girls can do anything that anyone else can do, and you know why? Because no one, not a single damn person in the world, can dictate what you do except you.

Whatever I do, where ever I go, no matter how much I weigh, in the mirror I still see that little girl who was constantly being told that she was fat. The only difference is, now she doesn't care. She knows that fat, or skinny, or short, or tall, or muscular, or anything else, she can do whatever the fuck she wants.

The Greatest Love Of All

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Hello there lovelies,

Since I'm talking about love this week, it would be terrible not to talk about what I believe is the most important kind of love - self love. I think that sometimes all of us, male or female, get so hung up on finding romantic love & on having lots of friends that we forget to work on loving ourselves. I also think that this is pretty damn sad, because every single one of you out there is fucking fabulous. You are all beautiful, and special, and totally fucking worthy of feeling fabulous every single day. And any time you spend hating yourself? It isn't fucking worth it.

I spent a long time hating, detesting, despising myself. I thought & said terrible things about myself, which in turn made me think & say terrible things about other people. I cried myself to sleep. I had no respect for myself, or my body. I dated horrible people because I truly thought that only a horrible person could ever love me. I ate lots of unhealthy food to try and stop myself from feeling so terrible about myself, and became the heaviest I have ever been. I self-harmed for about a year. I drank lots of alcohol to try & avoid the pain I was feeling, and I put myself in dangerous situations because I thought I deserved them. I developed incredibly harmful eating & exercise patterns, and became the skinniest that I had ever been.

But, I survived, and I came to a point where I said, "No. Enough, is enough." I saw a psychologist. I dug my heels in, and I refused to be cruel to myself any more. It's so easy to say that. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life - and it isn't finished. Loving myself is a work in progress, and I work on it every day. For a long time it didn't get any easier to do. Now, it's easier for me to be kind to myself than to be cruel. I still have bad days, but they are much, much less.

I know I've spoken a lot about this on my blog, and I guess you might wonder why. When I started this blog I was still in a pretty bad place, and I think talking about the problems I have faced was more about venting. These days I want to show people that it is possible to hate yourself that deeply, and recover. I want to be honest about what I have been through, because it has made me who I am now. I want to let all of you reading who may have trouble with loving yourself know that you are not alone. Most of all, I want people to know that getting help & learning to love yourself is totally fucking worth it. When you feel so, so bad it seems easier to continue living the way you are already. You figured that things are already bad, and any change you make might just make it worse, so why fucking bother. And that's why I write, over and over again, about how "worth it" this change is.

Life is so much easier without that negative voice following you around. You have fun getting dressed, instead of loathing the mirror. As you feel better about yourself, you start to treat yourself better. Suddenly, it seems like an amazing idea to take care of your body, and give it the things it needs instead of fighting with it. The things you want to accomplish seem easier, because you aren't being criticized from inside your own head. You get in touch with the things you need, and the things you want. When you love yourself, you get to know you, and you get to feel awesome about that person. And that, my dears, is totally fucking worth it.

Until next time, xo.

P.S. If you are interested in more of my musings about self-love & body image, then browse my body image tag.

P.P.S. You should totally take the Declaration of Self-Hate Independence at A Is For Ampersand.

On Health & Self-Love

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In the past few months quite a few people I know have had health scares, or health problems emerge. I can remember, not too long ago, listening to the "adults" talking about lumps & bumps & abnormal pap smears & health concerns, and thinking, "that will never happen to me". Youth is funny that way - you don't realize that before long, you are the adults, worrying about the health scares. These things have got me thinking about the relationship between health, body image and self-love. I know there was a very publicized (and, it seemed, blown out of proportion) story in the media last year of a body acceptance advocate who went on to feel that acceptance of her body had caused her to ignore signs that she was unhealthy. I found this a little confusing.

I don't think we can really say that we love ourselves if we stick our heads in the sand, and ignore the cues that our bodies give us in order to let us know we're unwell. As I grow older I start to think that really loving ourselves, and our bodies extends to taking proper care of them. I believe that we can show that love for ourselves, not necessarily by losing weight, but by giving our bodies what they need to be healthy and feel good. By feeding ourselves food that gives us energy instead of taking it away. By keeping our bodies active and alert. By taking our bodies to the doctor for regular check-ups, or when they are doing something that worries us. I think that if we really love our bodies we will get pap smears, mammograms, prostate checks, skin cancer checks, and all of those things that we find slightly unpleasant, but are actually really beneficial.

Most of all, I think that if we really love our bodies, we will listen to them when they tell us enough is enough. I am so proud of one of my friends, who has had to make major changes to his life & diet because of a health scare, because he is learning to listen to his body's needs. I plan to use the first few weeks of 2012 to get back in tune with the needs of mine. I want my body to last, so I can go on loving it & learning about it for a long time yet. In 2012 I will: get my hearing checked, my eyesight checked, a pap smear, talk to the doctor about the wierd pain in my wrist, talk to the doctor about the wierd pain in my hip, get my moles checked for skin cancer, gently get back into a good exercise routine, and start listening to my body about the food it wants to eat again. Why? Because my body is damn well worth it.

Until next time, xo.

Thoughts On A Colorful Week

Hello there lovelies,

I really had fun with my challenge to wear a minimal amount of black for a week. The recording of the challenge got a little messy thanks to my unexpected Clermont trip, but it really impacted my thinking. Since I started the challenge I've been immediately drawn to bright colours everywhere I go. I've been painting my nails in the brightest colours I can find, and planning colourful outfits in my head. I feel like a switch has flicked in my head. A rainbow-coloured switch.

For a long time now, I've been afraid of wearing colour. We've had a complicated relationship. Bright colours demand attention. When you wear them, people will stare at you (and, quite possibly audibly giggle about your yellow tights in the line behind you at the bank). Avoiding the attention of other people has been my mantra for a long time. I look different to most, and I've been painfully aware of that for a long time. All I wanted was for people, particularly my peers, to ignore me and leave me alone. In early high school I imitated the "cool" kids to try and avoid negative attention. In my late high school years I flirted with Goth and Punk styles to try & convince people that I didn't care about their negative attention. At University, when I went through my worst period of depression head-to-toe black helped me feel like I was blending into the background. Especially when my anxiety convinced me that every single person on campus was laughing at me. I didn't feel like I was good enough to demand attention from anyone.

Now, I realize that no matter what I do I'm always going to have haters. You're always going to have them too. There is always going to be someone who thinks that your outfit is ridiculous, that you're ugly, that you couldn't tell a funny joke if you tried, or that you have the charisma of a toilet brush. There is always going to be someone who thinks that you are undeserving of their time and attention. The thing is though, that just because they believe those things, it doesn't mean that you have to believe them as well. I figure that you have two choices in this situation - either you agree with the haters, & continue feeling unworthy, or you disagree & stop. I've made my choice. I will wear my bright colours, and probably shock some sensibilities by drawing their attention to my difference. But I will be doing what I love, and continuing on the journey of loving & getting to know myself.

And, if people want to giggle about my yellow tights along the way, well, that's all on them.

Until next time, xo.

What I Wore Today - Who Likes Short Shorts? Vol. 2

Hello there lovelies,

You know the weather is warming up when the camera sees enough of my skin to overexpose me. Just call me Casper, I'll take that one. I would say I'm not this white in real life, but I would be lying. Once I move up to Clermont The Boyfriend reckons he's going to install sunscreen dispensers next to our doors so that I don't permanently become a lobster. I think this might actually be a wise decision.

Outfit Rundown:

Owl Print Button-Up: Op-shopped, $2
Singlet: Stolen from The Boyfriend
Shorts: Trade Secret, $29.95
Boots: Op-shopped, $10
Owl Necklace: Trade Secret, $6.95

I almost didn't leave the house like this today. I love shorts, but I'm still trying to get over that "certain people don't wear certain things" block in my head. When I do leave the house in shorts I get overly anxious that everyone will laugh at me, and then the fashion police will jump out of the bushes and give me an exorbitant fine. But yesterday it was so freakin' hot that I decided to take the chance. And guess what guys? There was no laughing, and certainly no visit from the fashion police. There was only me feeling awesome, and cool (in the temperature sense of the word) in my shorts. I think I might have disintegrated my "shorts block".

And really, why should I feel anxious about wearing shorts? They're my legs, not anyone else's'. What I do with them, and cover them with is really my business. My legs are pretty rad, when you think about it. They get me through whole days working on my feet, they get me through craploads of lunges in my daily workout, through walks, runs & hikes, and long days of shopping. My legs are pretty damn good to me, so it makes sense that I should love them. And if anyone else doesn't? Well, they don't have to. It doesn't really matter to me, because I do.

How were your weekends lovelies?

Until next time, xo.

Letters to Random People

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Dear young girl who left the fitting rooms at my work almost in tears,

You're beautiful. I know you won't believe me when I say this, but it is true. I know that you're not feeling too great about yourself right now, and you're upset that you can't fit into the same dresses that your sister can, but it's still true. You are beautiful.

Try not to hate on yourself too much. I know you think that you're too fat, but that's not true. It's not your fault that you don't fit into the same size dresses as your sister, and the fact that you don't does not make any of the other negative things you say about yourself true. You are beautiful, so screw the dresses that are too small. Find things that fit your body properly, and make you feel wonderful about yourself. Don't sweat the too-small things - just move onto something more fabulous. You are a vibrant, amazing, beautiful human being & you don't deserve to spend a single second feeling shitty about yourself because a dress doesn't fit.

Oh, and by the way - listen to your Dad. When he says that it's not that you're too fat, just that particular dress is too small, he's actually right. Put aside the fact that he's your Dad for a second, and you might realise he's a pretty smart guy. And he thinks you're beautiful too.

Chin up lovely! Everyone around you thinks you're beautiful, so don't sweat the small stuff.

Until next time, xo.

It's Story Time

Once upon a time, there was a girl who owned an incredible pair of pants. They were made of the finest black corduroy, and purchased from place of wonders known only as "K-mart".

But one day, the girl suddenly became afraid to wear the incredible pants. She was sure she had gained weight, and in turn terrified that the pants would no longer fit. When she went to her wardrobe she avoided the pants, even though she could think of many great outfits for which they were sorely needed. In time, she even considered getting rid of the pants, rather than trying them on and being forced to face her fear that they may no longer fit.

Then the girl awoke one morning and thought to herself, "you're being absolutely ridiculous, just go & try on the damn pants. If they don't fit, you can go to K-mart and procure more pants." So, now completely unafraid she strode over to her wardrobe and tried on the damn pants.

What do you know, it turns out that the incredible pants had fitted perfectly all along. The girls' fear had been entirely in her head, and robbed her of precious incredible pants-wearing months. And besides, even if the pants hadn't fitted, it was nothing to be afraid of - there are always more incredible pants in the world.

The moral of the story, dear readers, is that you should not let your fears stop you from doing anything that you want to do (or, of course, from wearing incredible pants). Often it turns out that the only place your fears have any true power is in your own mind.

Until next time, xo.

What Is Fat?

Hello there lovelies,

I just read a rather interesting post, by the lovely Corrine of Frock & Roll, and it really got me thinking. In fact, I thought so much that I couldn't just leave a comment on her beautiful post, I had to write my own. This is the question Corrine asked that really got me thinking: "Size is a difficult subject to discuss, but honestly, I'm INTRIGUED. What is ''fat'' to you, and when does a person become ''fat''?"

I find this a rather difficult question to answer. I don't think that there is one exact point where we can say that a person becomes "fat" - or overweight, or underweight for that matter (over and under what weight exactly?) One person can be very different to another person of the exact same weight. "Fat" to me seems to be a perception rather than a particular size, or number. There isn't a strict limit, where on one side you are "skinny", but gain one pound and you're "fat". It is a notoriously hard topic to discuss though, because the word fat has become synonymous with calling someone ugly, lazy and unhealthy - none of which are necessarily true.

I have to wonder if it really matters. We as a society spend a lot of time fussing over whether we are "fat" or "skinny", and a lot of time fussing over whether other people are "fat" or "skinny". We have whole industries devoted to making us feel bad about "fatness", and bad about "skinniness" - usually so that we will then buy whatever product they are marketing to smooth us out, or curve us up. People seem to take other peoples' "fatness" as some kind of personal insult. Firstly, I don't believe we have any reason to be fussing over what anyone else is or isn't, because that is first and foremost their business. But beyond that, I don't understand why we are so worried about whether or not we are "fat". If we are happy & healthy, does it really matter if we are also "fat"?

My body works the way that it should. I fill it with enough good, nutritious food that I don't feel hungry. I run, and lift weights most days. I do yoga, I dance, I play with my dog, I go hiking, I ride my bike. My body fat percentage is higher than the "ideal", and I have a BMI of 26.4, putting me a little into the overweight category. I wear an Australian size 12-14, when I could once wear an 8-10. Now, I could let that ruin my life and spend all my waking hours trying to fix it - which I have done in the past - or I can accept it, and go on living fabulously, having fun, and loving the life (and body) that I have.

I've posted this video before, but it really says how I feel far more articulately that I ever could.

No matter what your size, I believe you are worthy of respect. I also believe that you are beautiful. But now, what is your take on this issue lovelies? What is "fat" to you?

Until next time, xo.

Love My Body - On Weight & Fitness

Hello there lovelies,

You may or may not know that I am cheating on The Boyfriend with my treadmill. That confession aside, since The Boyfriend's parents gave us the treadmill two months ago I have lost four kilograms. But the way that I feel about it got me thinking about my relationship with my weight & health/fitness, and how it has changed in the last few years.

When I was 17 I weighed the most that I have in my life. When I was 20 I weighed the least that I have in my life. I am now sitting comfortably in the middle. I have been every clothing size between an 18 and an 8, but this is the only time that I have felt completely at home in my body. My weight loss first started when I had an operation on my jaw not long before I turned 18, and I was put on a liquid diet for two months. Eating is a tiring venture when you are recovering from surgery, so I ate a lot less in recovery than I did before my operation. Then, I started exercising in order to burn off all the extra energy I had from laying around the house all day. I was surprised by all the things that my body could do, and all the ways that my muscles worked that I didn't know about before that.

But it all went a little pear-shaped after that. I noticed that people complimented me more every time I lost more weight. People seemed to pay more positive attention to me. It seemed like I suddenly made new friends, suddenly got invited to parties, suddenly had guys wanting to ask me out. When I moved out of home to go to university I lost more weight. I also met the man who would turn out the be the love of my life, absolutely loved the subject I was studying, and aced every assignment/exam/project that came my way. I don't know how, but I came to attribute all these things to my weight, instead of my confidence levels. I became determined to lose more weight, because if thing started going well when I started getting skinnier, then I just had to keep on getting skinnier, right? When I was at my very skinniest, I felt like I was waging a war against my body. Every push-up, every squat, every lunge was me attacking my body and willing it to be just a little bit thinner. I really and truly believed that as long as I kept being a size 8 that nothing bad would ever happen to me.

Then, I hit the beginning of the major depressive episode that would eventually spur me to start this blog. I lost my motivation to study, to exercise - hell, to even get up in the mornings. I lost my part-time job, and The Boyfriend lost his full-time job. There were days when The Boyfriend had to drag the sobbing mess that was me out of bed, pretty much dress me, and drive me to my university classes so that I would actually end up going. I fell out of love with the subject I was studying. But again, rather than seeing these things as the result of depression, I believed they were happening to me because I had let myself gain weight. I believed that I deserved the way that I was feeling because I had let myself gain weight. Unlearning that association was one of the hardest things I have ever done - even harder because after going through that period of depression, I had to learn to take care of myself again.

I think the biggest thing that worked in my favour was that I wanted to get better. I wanted to be happy again, even when I couldn't muster the energy (or care factor) to simply shower. I think I'm doing well now - or at least, I'm on the right track. Repairing yourself after these things takes a long, long time. You have to relearn how to care about your health & your personal hygiene. You have to relearn how to tell if you like, or enjoy something. You have to learn that, even once you've learned these things, some days you just won't be able to remember. But in learning these things, I have also learnt a new appreciation for my body. My body can do amazing things. It can take all my terrible treatment, and it can recover. It can hold all the pain & suffering of depression, and it can help pull me through it. Even when I absolutely hated my body, it still did everything it could to keep me healthy and happy.

These days, I like to think of my body as my partner instead of my enemy - I'm trying to work with it, instead of against it. If my body feels restless, then I do some exercise. If that exercise doesn't make it feel good, then I find a different type. If a food makes me lethargic, or upsets my stomach then I don't eat it. If I find my body really craving something in particular, then I let myself have it. I go to bed as soon as I feel tired, and get up when I don't feel like sleeping anymore. I fill my fridge with all different types of fruit, and then pick whatever my body feels like in the morning to take for lunch. Now that we're working in tandem, I don't see how I could have ever hated my body, or blamed it for the things that were going wrong in my life. Shit happens, and it happens all the time. Sometimes it happens for a reason, sometimes it's just random chance. But, however shits' going down, and despite the struggle to get here, loving my body for exactly the way it is is much easier than hating it for the way it isn't. And, as far as I'm concerned, so long as my body feels fit & healthy, the weight part doesn't really matter anyway.

Until next time, xo.

Letters To Myself

Image by Jamie Bates

Hello there lovelies,

The amazing Meg Needles, of Sewing Pixie wrote some beautiful letters to herself recently, and they made me think of some things I've been meaning to say to myself.


Dear Body,

I hope you've been feeling better lately, because I've really been making my best effort to take care of you. When you're coming back from such a bad head space, it's easy to forget to take care of your body, and I'm sorry for not taking care of you properly. You certainly deserve it, because you do so much for me. We've actually been getting along really well lately, and I'm really loving it. How's this: I'll keep filling you up with good food, taking you for runs, stretching out your muscles and drinking plenty of water. In return, you can keep my energy levels up, keep my bad ankle from aching, and keep healing any injuries I get super quickly.

I'm really proud of you body! You've been running four kilometres almost every night, and dancing, and doing yoga, and lifting weights (as well as heavy boxes at work), and dealing with me accidentally stabbing you with the kitchen knife when I'm too lazy to find some scissors to open a packet, AND doing it without much complaining at all. I mean, you did complain a little about the stab wound, but I can't really blame you for that. Thanks for healing it up so quickly!

But also body, I'm sorry that I was ever ashamed of you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you body. You might not ever have rock-hard abs, or buns of steel no matter how hard I work out. You might always be a little awkward and clumsy. But you're mine, and I'm yours and I'm pretty damn fond of you. I promise that from now on I will defend you to anyone who tries to say you're not beautiful, or not worthy. I will take you out, and show you off. Because you know what body? Haters gonna' hate. I, for one, refuse to be a hater any more. You're the only body I'm ever going to have, and I love that you carry me through life to the best of your ability. As part of that deal we made earlier, I'm going to try not to criticise you or put you down. We don't need that kind of negativity in our lives for any longer than it already has been. You rock body, and I'm not letting you believe you don't for one second longer.

From now on, I've got your back beautiful.

Love always,
Stacey


What about you lovelies? Is there anything you'd like to say to yourself? Why not write a letter?

Until next time, xo.

Love My Body - Beating Body Image Issues

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Hello there lovelies,

The amazing ladies of The Demoiselles asked an interesting question in this post - what body image issue has been plaguing you lately? The question kind of threw me, because to be honest, I can't think of anything that has been bothering me. Once upon a time I probably could have competed in the Body Image Olympics for the gold medal in Things That Are Wrong With my Body. Even when I was 15kgs lighter than I am now, I would have said I had a huge ass, and huge thighs, and too much belly fat. I would have said my nose was huge, and my face was too pimply, and my shoulders too broad. But I can't say any of these things worries me much at all any more. I feel awesome exactly the way that I am. And speaking of which, here are my best tips for feeling awesome about yourself:

Tell that annoying voice in the back of your head to piss off. You know the voice. The one that tells you that you suck, casually reminds you that you will never look like Kate Moss in skinny jeans, and derides all your greatest achievements as "no big deal". Every time I get that voice now, I tell it firmly that I don't believe it (sometimes silently in my head, and sometimes out loud in the mirror). It's really hard at first. Or at least it was for me. That voice had gotten so damn loud, because I'd been agreeing with it for so long. But the longer I disagreed, the easier it has become. Shutting that bitch up is hard work, but well worth it.

Ditch the women's glossies that tell you you're perfect, yet try to sell you weight loss products at the same time. I've been "Cosmo clean" for nearly six months now. I used to buy Cosmopolitan, Cleo, and other magazines like Glamour religiously - like, first day on the stands in my hands. The thing was, all those magazines did was piss me off, and make me feel bad about myself. I hated the "body love" specials that included articles like "How to look good while you exercise" and information about cosmetic surgery. I didn't even read half the articles because the titles sounded so stupid. I know this seems way too simple (and silly even) to make much of a difference in your own body image, but it has worked wonders for me. I think this can apply to any media, or even passive-aggressive friends - if they make you feel crappy about yourself, then ditch them.

Do some "sexy exercise". Here is a well-kept secret of mine: my favourite work-out DVD is The Pussycat Dolls Workout (although I am also partial to Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease DVD's and Jillian Michaels Hip-hop DVD). Wanna take a guess why I love them? They make me feel freaking amazing, and incredibly sexy. The best part about finding exercise that makes me feel sexy is that I keep on doing it, even when I'm not losing weight. And the even better part was realising that I don't have to change a single thing to be sexy. Realistically, your "sexy exercise" doesn't have to be the same as mine. It doesn't even have to be anything remotely sex-related, as long as it makes you feel awesome about your body.

Don't talk trash about yourself, and don't talk trash about anyone else. Stopping insulting my own body was a HUGE step in combating my body issues - but now, I try not to insult anyone else either. If I wouldn't say something about myself, or wouldn't like someone to say it about me, then I try not to say it about anyone else either. We're all different, and there are amazing things about all of us. On the same note, letting that negative voice in your head talk trash about other people makes it easier for it to talk trash about you. Talking positive about other people makes it easier to talk positive about yourself. Try not to get drawn into body-snarking conversations with other people as well - all this stuff does is make you feel worse about yourself.

But what about you guys? Are any body image issues plaguing you at the moment? What do you do to feel better about yourself, and your body?

Until next time, xo.

Girl, You're Amazing Just The Way You Are

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Hello there lovelies,

I see so much negativity everyday. So much of it comes from women, and is directed towards themselves, specifically their bodies. Not a day goes by where I don't hear someone say "If only I wasn't so fat", "If only I had bigger boobs", "If only I was taller/shorter/curvier/skinnier/prettier". I can't help but think about all the energy that is wasted everyday on hating ourselves. More and more I am discovering that loving myself is a decision that I make. On any given day, I can either be upset that I'm not Kate Moss, or I can be ecstatic that I am Stacey instead. I can work on disliking my curves, or I can work on embracing them. I can hate my scars, or I can love them.

I'm getting pretty good at loving myself on most days now, and I know you can do it too. You are all beautiful just the way you are. I hope that you all know you are amazing, because I know you are.

"When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are."

Bruno Mars - Just The Way You Are.

Until next time, xo.

Bikini Shopping Blues

Hello there lovelies,

Today I plan to talk about a rather tenuous topic - swimsuit/bikini shopping. I hate it, you hate it. I'm yet to find anyone female who doesn't despise the process of squeezing into tiny pieces of fabric in badly lit fitting rooms (which often seem to have borrowed the carnival mirrors). It is a process that seem to waken insecurities in even the most secure of women, and as the Australian Summer draws closer I'm starting to see this again every day. A few weeks ago a lovely lady came into the fitting rooms with an arm full of swimsuits. Only a couple of minutes after she went into the changing room, I started to hear crying. I didn't know what to do. I asked if she was alright, and got no response so I stood like a stunned mullet until she came out again. As she handed me the swimsuits back, wiping away the last of her tears she said, "This is really hard sometimes, isn't it?". It saddened me, firstly because she was so sad, but also because I knew exactly what she meant.

I know what it feels like to try on a bikini, look in the mirror and feel as if every one of your flaws has been magnified by a hundred, regardless of whether said flaws even exist. I know how it feels to look in the mirror and be crushed because you don't see the body of Jessica Alba in Sin City reflected back at you. But why do I need the "perfect bikini body" to be happy about the way I look in a swimsuit? The answer, of course, is that I don't. And, of course, neither do you. Do you know who the only person who ever told me I look bad in a bikini is? Me. I am the only one who has ever seen the multitude of flaws that I constantly stress about when putting on a swimsuit. And you know what? I may not be Jessica Alba, or Scarlett Johannsson, or any other Hollywood starlet, but this Summer I am going to put on my damn bikini and strut confidently along the beach with the best of them. This is the body that I have. No magazine exercise regime, or fitting room mirror, or anything else is going to tell me that this body isn't good enough to show people.

This Summer I am banning feeling bad about my "bikini body". I am banning worrying about "wobbly thighs" in shorts. I am banning worrying about "chicken wings", or "pot bellies", or wonky ankles, whatever else there is to worry about. I don't want to be the woman crying in the change room about what I see in the mirror anymore. I'm not going to hate my body for not being something that it can't be. But mostly, I'm not going to punish myself because I'm not a swimsuit model. The best part about this? You don't have to do any of these things either. You don't need to listen to what anyone else has to say about your body, and you don't need to listen to the bad things you say about your own body. Your body does so much for you, and it is deserving of your love. I know that loving your body can be one of the hardest things to achieve, especially when you've been bent on hating it for so long. But I promise, you are worth the effort. And I will be the happiest person in the universe when no one cries in the change rooms while they shop for swimsuits, because they realise time is better spent loving than hating - and that this rule even applies to your "bikini body".

Until next time, xo.

My Body Is Not A Fashion Trend

Photo

Hello there lovelies,

I have a bone to pick today, and it's a big one. I'm sick of hearing in fashion magazines, and throughout the media that a particular body shape is 'in'. In particular, this is aimed at the articles proclaiming that natural breasts are back in fashion, after the casting call for Pirates of the Caribbean 4, where it was explicitly stated that only actresses with natural breasts need apply. It's not that I have a problem with these parameters being specified in a casting call. I have a problem with the following announcements that "natural breasts are back." I find it disturbing that body types, or even body parts can go in and out of fashion like handbags. I didn't choose these natural breasts, I was born with them, and getting breast implants is a huge, life-changing decision. My body is not a fashion trend, and I will not have what I do with it dictated to me by a fashion magazine. We may be getting closer to a society where we can pick how we want to look from a catalogue (provided we don't mind a bit of pain and scarring). But doesn't mean that we should have bodies sold to us by the media.

It galls me whenever I see articles stating that "curves are back", or that "this season a tall, slim look is in style". What does this say to people who don't naturally have those qualities? "Curves are back" implies that skinny is out - so all you skinny girls better move aside, because you're not in fashion anymore. All this does is perpetuate body image issues for the benefit of marketing. Breast implants are in? You better run out and have yourself some surgery honey. They're back out? Well, there are always expensive removal procedures. Curves are in? If you don't have your own, we can sell you things to create them. Tall and slim "the look" for this season? Better shell out for those Spanx sweetie! It's bullshit, and I won't stand for it.

We are all real women, with real bodies. We are tall, short, fat, skinny, lanky, stocky, curvy, flat. We have small boobs, and big hips, and thin lips, and button noses. We have skinny calves, and long torsos, and short legs, and no waists. We have breast implants, and nose jobs, and big butts, and tiny feet. Our bodies are all different, but they are all ours, and they are all beautiful. Screw the marketing. Your body, and mine don't need to follow trends. You don't need to buy what the fashion magazines are selling -your body is fine exactly the way that it is. Anything that you want to do with your body is your choice and yours alone. My body is not a fashion trend, and neither is yours.

Until next time, xo.

What I Wore Today!

Hello there lovelies!

Welcome to another day in the life of my vanity! I didn't really do much today - just went over to the University of Queensland to pick up some money I made selling textbooks. But dammit, I needed an excuse to show off the super-hot Pulp shoes I picked up last Thursday night whilst shopping with my good friend C. Look at them, look at them dammit! Yay gladiator sandals. Yup, I don't care what you have to say, they are one horrible trend that I adore (another blog topic coming on perhaps?). Also, they were $19.95, down from $79.95, and there was only one pair left, in my size. It was meant to be, I tell you. On to the outfit!

Outfit Rundown:

T-shirt: Trade Secret (Envious), $5
Belt: Hit 'N' Run (Emily the Strange), $10
Shorts: Trade Secret (Pure Hype), $14.95
Shoes: Pulp, $19.95 (!!!!!!!!!!)
Bracelets: Made by The Boyfriend
Watch: Cleo Magazine, Free.

Holy crap, is that one whole outfit that I procured for $50? You're damn right it is! Bargain shopping is my crack. Although, I'm going to be laying off the shopping for awhile. Damn you tempting Manchester sale table at work! My new obsession is possibly redecorating our house. Any tips out there?

Until next time, xo.

P.S.: This week, from 21-27 February is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Check out these blog posts on the subject: Denim Debutante shares her experiences here, and there is a wonderful post on Olive Life about taking action in your everyday life. I'll let them speak for me this time. Xo.

Can You Buy Self-Esteem?

Hey guys,

Ok, now don't let the picture scare you away. I know that every woman and her hand bag-sized dog has had something to say about Heidi Montag/her alleged addiction to plastic surgery. I'll admit that, although I find it terrifying that cosmetic surgery can change a persons' appearance this much, I don't necessarily disagree with her doing it. It's not the surgery itself that worries me - it is the reason for it. I think it's fairly obvious that someone volunteering for this many elective surgical procedures must be very unhappy with their body. Buy a new one, sure whatever you want. But can you buy the self-esteem to go with it? Honestly, I don't think it really works that way.

To give a little backstory, I've had 12 operations in my life. Except for those to do with ear problems, my procedures were classified as "reconstructive", but they are the same procedures used for elective cosmetic surgery. I've had numerous "nose jobs", lip revisions, and had my entire top jaw moved forward almost a centimetre. I've come out of the operating theatre with two black eyes many times, and after the jaw operation my face swelled so much that the skin on my lips cracked off. After all this trouble, did I look different? I certainly did. But, I can't say that I felt any different. I still came out of every operation with the firm belief that I was fat, ugly, and unlovable. Most of the time I couldn't even perceive the differences in my appearance, and I always thought that the next procedure would surely give me the perfect result I was after. Then, when my face was perfect, I would be happy.

Do you want to know a secret? That never happens.

Issues don't disappear just because bumps on your nose do, or because the size of your thighs decreases. If you don't have a healthy relationship with your body to begin with, no amount of changes will forge one without changes in your attitude. And this, this my dears, is why I worry about the Heidi Montags' of the world. Most of the time they are putting their body through incredible stress, not to mention extreme pain, for that perfect result that they are never going to see. While I don't disagree with cosmetic surgery just because it is what it is, I do think that people who have issues with their body/appearance/self-esteem see it as an easy way to (supposedly) fix all their problems. But that is bullshit. At the end of the procedure, nothing has changed. You are still exactly the same person inside that you were before the procedure. If you believed you were ugly before, you will probably still feel the same way afterwards - you'll just find something different to fix your negative attention on. In the words of a very wise (if slightly fictional) Doctor:

"The operation will only change your face. It won't change who your face made you."
Dr. House, to patient with a cranio-facial deformity

My advice to anyone considering cosmetic surgery is simple: face your demons first. The mind is a powerful thing, and it can go on believing all the negative things you've been telling it long after your eyes start seeing something different in the mirror. If you are comfortable with yourself, and still want to try surgery to "improve", then so be it. Personally, I wouldn't do it again. For me there was too much pain for very little relative benefit. But still, if you're going to do it, make sure you're not going to end up chasing the gold at the end of the rainbow, so to speak. That is no way to live your life.

Anyway, what do you think? Can you buy self-esteem when you buy a new body?

Until next time, xo.

Love Your Mind Etc.

Photo by Rafael da Costa

Hey there lovelies,

I know I spend a lot of time on this blog babbling away about body image - it's an important topic, and one that deserves plenty of voice. Sometimes though, I think that we focus so much on our bodies, and our appearance that we forget about the multitude of other things that are good about us. It is a good thing for us to value our bodies. You know, we need them to live, to get us where we have to go, and for a variety of other reasons. We should love our bodies, and treat them with the respect that they deserve. It's just that sometimes I think we all forget that we are so much more than our bodies. Sure, I feel great when I put the effort into keeping my body healthy and active, and when I can be bothered to shave my legs, get a nice haircut or wax my damn eyebrows. But, I don't need to do any of those things to be the person that I am. I have done plenty of amazing things, and I am amazing in plenty of ways that have nothing to do with how I look. And here's the kicker - so are you.

Just step back and think for a minute (and not about the size of your butt). I'm sure that there are things you love and value about yourself that have nothing to do with your outward appearance. Maybe you're the person who knows everything there is to know about Ancient Egypt, or you have the ability to make anyone you meet laugh milk out their nose. Perhaps you get straight A's in anything academic without even trying, or you can paint pictures that would make Picasso cry. You might even be the best shotputter you know, or have the uncanny ability to craft anything from secondhand materials. You could be an amazing public speaker/debater, or an actor/singer that can move people to tears. These things all have something in common - they have nothing to do with what you look like. Well, that and hearing about any one of these things would probably make you seem more interesting to someone you've only just met than an in-depth analysis of your beauty routine.

I can sew things that I'm happy to wear out in public.
I can happily discuss scientific theory with people I know.
I've spent three years studying psychology, and extending my knowledge about people.
I was once referred to as the "secret weapon" of my debating team.
I win awards for public speaking, and once wrote a short story that made someone cry.

I can read most novels in a day.

All these things make me proud, and I know you have your own. So love them! Find the things that you are incredible at, or that you really love about yourself and cultivate them. Read, laugh, love, speak, make, act, do whatever it is that you do more often. Even better if you can take some of the time you would usually spend obsessing over your appearance and channel it into something else. I'm not saying you shouldn't love your body, or spend lots of time learning how to take care of it, and feel your best. All I'm trying to do is remind you that you are so much more than what you look like - and I'm sure that one day you'll be glad that you spent time cultivating your relationship with those other parts of you. They are the ones that will hang around, long after your appearance changes. Remember, everything about you is worthy of being treasured.

Until next time, xo.

One Size Fits All?

Photos via V Magazine

Hello there lovelies,

I heard through the grapevine that V magazine is doing a "size" issue at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I love the editorial photoshoot of Jacquelyn Jablonksi (left), beside Crystal Renn, with both wearing the same pieces. But I have to admit that I cringe a little inside when I hear about a magazine doing a "size" issue, or a "diversity" issue. In fact, it plain pisses me off. It's not that I think these things are bad - rather, I feel that magazines should be featuring models of all shapes, sizes and races to begin with. Instead of celebrating diversity with scattered magazine features and editorials, why not celebrate it by including a wide assortment of models in every issue?

We have thin people, medium-sized people, and fat people every day of the year. We have Caucasian people, African-American people and Asian people, every day of the year. We have tall people and short people, people with crazy hair and big hips and small boobs. I can't be the only person in the world who would rather see fashion shown on a variety of different bodies, right? This V Magazine editorial does a damn good job of showing how two completely different women can make the same styles look amazing. And, if we made images of different body types, or people of a multitude of races normal, then we wouldn't need diversity issues to highlight them. I guess my point is, hats off to V Magazine for featuring different types of women in this fashion shoot - but why can't they, and other magazines do it in every issue, instead of reserving special ones for diversity?

What about you guys? What's your take on this?

Until next time, xo.

Campaign for Real Beauty

Hello there!

Here's a cute little video for all of you out there today who aren't feeling so great about yourself - to you, from someone who thinks you're all beautiful.

Video from tpiper

The Dove Campaign for Real Beauty began in 2004 and has been working ever since to open eyes, and widen peoples perceptions of beauty. You probably saw their campaigns featuring real women of all ages, shapes and sizes as models. I know I did, because I was pretty much in love with that advertising campaign. I fully support their efforts to expand on the traditional notion of beauty, and in particular the belief that beauty must be young. I believe that women are beautiful at any age - and this video from Dove's Pro-Age campaign certainly backs me up.

Video by wllmsjennifer

Their website also contains lots of cool resources for young girls, including information about self esteem, image manipulation, and being media-smart. There are also resource for mothers of young girls, including a workbook of fun activities that you can do with your daughter to improve her self-esteem. Even better, the Dove Self-Esteem Fund is supporting self-esteem programs in Canada, Amerca, the UK, Mexico, Australia, Korea, Austria, Hungary, and many other countries. Their aim is to reach five million young women by end of 2010. The counter on their website has them at just over three million so far, so I thought I'd help spread the word. Every little bit helps right?

Until next time, xo.