The Greatest Love Of All

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Hello there lovelies,

Since I'm talking about love this week, it would be terrible not to talk about what I believe is the most important kind of love - self love. I think that sometimes all of us, male or female, get so hung up on finding romantic love & on having lots of friends that we forget to work on loving ourselves. I also think that this is pretty damn sad, because every single one of you out there is fucking fabulous. You are all beautiful, and special, and totally fucking worthy of feeling fabulous every single day. And any time you spend hating yourself? It isn't fucking worth it.

I spent a long time hating, detesting, despising myself. I thought & said terrible things about myself, which in turn made me think & say terrible things about other people. I cried myself to sleep. I had no respect for myself, or my body. I dated horrible people because I truly thought that only a horrible person could ever love me. I ate lots of unhealthy food to try and stop myself from feeling so terrible about myself, and became the heaviest I have ever been. I self-harmed for about a year. I drank lots of alcohol to try & avoid the pain I was feeling, and I put myself in dangerous situations because I thought I deserved them. I developed incredibly harmful eating & exercise patterns, and became the skinniest that I had ever been.

But, I survived, and I came to a point where I said, "No. Enough, is enough." I saw a psychologist. I dug my heels in, and I refused to be cruel to myself any more. It's so easy to say that. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life - and it isn't finished. Loving myself is a work in progress, and I work on it every day. For a long time it didn't get any easier to do. Now, it's easier for me to be kind to myself than to be cruel. I still have bad days, but they are much, much less.

I know I've spoken a lot about this on my blog, and I guess you might wonder why. When I started this blog I was still in a pretty bad place, and I think talking about the problems I have faced was more about venting. These days I want to show people that it is possible to hate yourself that deeply, and recover. I want to be honest about what I have been through, because it has made me who I am now. I want to let all of you reading who may have trouble with loving yourself know that you are not alone. Most of all, I want people to know that getting help & learning to love yourself is totally fucking worth it. When you feel so, so bad it seems easier to continue living the way you are already. You figured that things are already bad, and any change you make might just make it worse, so why fucking bother. And that's why I write, over and over again, about how "worth it" this change is.

Life is so much easier without that negative voice following you around. You have fun getting dressed, instead of loathing the mirror. As you feel better about yourself, you start to treat yourself better. Suddenly, it seems like an amazing idea to take care of your body, and give it the things it needs instead of fighting with it. The things you want to accomplish seem easier, because you aren't being criticized from inside your own head. You get in touch with the things you need, and the things you want. When you love yourself, you get to know you, and you get to feel awesome about that person. And that, my dears, is totally fucking worth it.

Until next time, xo.

P.S. If you are interested in more of my musings about self-love & body image, then browse my body image tag.

P.P.S. You should totally take the Declaration of Self-Hate Independence at A Is For Ampersand.

Thought For The Day

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I came across this in my blog reader a while ago, and I couldn't help but think that it would be awesome if the person you put this much effort into loving was you. You're totally worth the effort.

Until next time, xo.

Me - An Ongoing Project

Hello, I am Miss Peregrin - although I also respond to Stacey, as that is my real name. I developed the moniker Miss Peregrin from my high school nickname, Pippin. Not only am I a huge Lord of the Rings fan, I am also incredibly clumsy and sometimes slow on the uptake. My high school friends called me Pippin after a weekend watching the Lord of the Rings movies. You know the bit where they are in the Mines of Moria and Pippin touches the arrow of the dead dwarf, sending the whole skeleton catapulting into the pit? My friends were certain that if real life was anything like Lord of the Rings that I would be the only person clumsy enough to do that.

I am a dreamer. I spend so much time dreaming that I often have trouble focusing on reality. I love writing, photography, design, art, music, films, fashion - if it's creative, then I probably love it. On an unrelated topic, I often make lewd jokes involving some form of sexual innuendo at the least appropriate times. I also have a habit of letting whatever is in my head come out of my mouth without thinking about whether it sounds like sexual innuendo. You probably already know that I'm obsessed with owls, because it is impossible to spend ten minutes with me without realising that. You might not know that I cry in episodes of House, episodes of Stargate:SG1, episodes of Farscape, episodes of Glee, and in children's movies involving talking animals (as well as in The Green Mile, but that's not the point). In fact, I cry when I am overly happy, sad or angry. Apparently I am also good at making myself sound like some kind of perverted sook on the Internet.

A month ago The Boyfriend and I celebrated our four-year anniversary - which we both forgot about, so there really wasn't any celebrating. As soon as The University of Queensland pulls it's head out of it's ass and processes my request I will have a Bachelor of Behavioural Science. Not bad for technically being a university drop-out. I pulled out of the degree I started a year before finishing because I realised that being a psychologist didn't appeal to me as much at 21 as it did at 18. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't really know where I am going with life. At the moment I am happy just to be taking joy in life, and learning new things about the world everyday.

I don't think I've said anything here that I intended to say when I started. But then, that is another thing that I do quite often. Off-topic rambling in my house? That's probably me. Sometimes I think I must be confusing even to the people who know me the best. But that's ok, because that's just me.

Until next time, xo.

P.S. My Mum was a babe, don't you think?

Happy Self-Love Day

You know lovelies,

I'd wager that the best person to be your valentine this year, is you. You're pretty amazing after all. Why wait for someone else to wise up to that fact? Buy yourself chocolates, and flowers, and stuffed animals instead. Then, while you're eating your chocolates, and enjoying your flowers, just think about how awesome you are. Here's a hint - it's somewhere in the vicinity of incredibly, stupendously, fabulously awesome. See, you don't need a valentine. You already have the best one.

Until next time, xo.

Things I Don't Want People Knowing About Me

Hello there lovelies,

Kat of Inspired to Action and Megan of Princess Lastertron have both recently written about things that they don't want people knowing about them(here & here), and that got me thinking. What things don't I usually share? What don't I want people knowing about me? Why don't I want people knowing these things? So I thought up my own list - here are the things I don't usually want people knowing about me.

1. I am incredibly shy, and I feel so awkward in social situations that it hurts. When I meet new people I worry constantly. I worry if I'm wearing the right things and if I'm saying the right things. I worry when people don't laugh at my jokes, and I worry when they do. If people don't talk to me for a while after I see them I worry that I said something wierd that made them hate me.
   


2. I hate washing dishes, so sometimes the dishes sit on my sink for weeks. Until they really start to piss me off, I only wash what dishes I need for a particular meal.
   


3. I've never really spent any time on my own until I stayed in Toowoomba for a week on my own recently. I moved straight from living with my parents, to living at university, to living with The Boyfriend. I'm terrified of spending any length of time alone, and when I am along I'm scared that some serial killer is going to get me.
   


4. I am the most unco-ordinated person in the world. IN THE WORLD. I can't catch a ball to save my life, I constantly trip over my own feet and I have trouble staying upright on a bicycle. In fact, when I was learning to ride a bike I hit everything in sight (including the one tree in our yard). I'm always covered in bruises from walking into door frames, banging my hands and arms on things, and tripping over.
   
   
5. I cry in pretty much everything, and at pretty much everything. I cry in episodes of House. I cry in emotional movies like The Green Mile. I cry in children's movies, like Dinosaur. I cry when I'm sad, when I'm happy and when I'm really angry.
   
   
6. I was once pretty much an alcoholic. I couldn't bear to spend a day without drinking, and if I had to I would get angry, distressed and panicky. I blew off old friends, and lied to my family so that I could spend more time drinking. I could scull a ten-pack of Woodstock in an hour, and be whinging later that I was sober. At the end of a pay week I'd scrape together my silver change to buy more alcohol. I'd all but stopped eating, I did a lot of stupid things and I hurt a hell of a lot of people.
   

That's pretty much it for my list. Why I don't want people to know these things is another question entirely. Partially, I think it is because I'm embarrassed by these things. But also, I hate people knowing things that I consider weaknesses. I like to be seen as strong and in control, when in reality I am often shy, clumsy, scared and obsessive. But you know, that's ok. Having people know these things about me doesn't change who I am, it just helps them understand me. It might help the other people in your life understand you if you tell them the things you don't want them to know. Why don't you give it a try?

Until next time, xo.

22 Things Before 22!

Me, on my birthday last year.

Hey there lovelies,

I've been looking for a way to shake things up a little bit, and here it is. I couldn't decide whether to cut my hair, start 365, participate in wardrobe refashion, do 101 things in 1001 days, or start a 50 book challenge. So, logically, I decided to combine all those things with a bunch of other things I want to do, and came up with this - 22 Things Before 22! You may have noticed the new countdown on my sidebar. This is because all the things you see on this list, I'm doing to do before my 22nd birthday on November 30th of this year. And, of course, I'm going to be blogging about these things as they happen.

1. Get a pixie cut.
2. Take a Zumba class
3. Learn to knit.
4. Sew 1 from-scratch creation every week. (0/ 16)
5. Go to the beach and wear a bikini without feeling horrible.
6. Participate in wardrobe refashion for 2 months.
7. See three movies in the cinemas (0/3).
8. Finish Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Again.
9. Finish reading the Riftwar Saga by Raymond E. Feist (1/3).
10. Read three non-fiction books (0/3).
11. Watch all three seasons of Dexter (0/3) Note - I do realise there are more than 3 seasons, but I only have access to the first three. .
12. Save $10 every week.
13. Take one photograph every day (0/105).
14. Have at least two girly gatherings (0/2).
15. Sell all my unwanted clothing on eBay.
16. Have a huge clean-up of all my crafting supplies.
17. Get a gym membership, and actually go to the gym.
18. Unclutter my house - get rid of anything I don't want or need.
19. Add at least 10 pages to my Happy Book (0/10)
20. Go out to dinner wearing a dress and heeled shoes.
21. Buy a pair of neon Doc Martens.
22. Throw a bitchin’ birthday bash!

Stay tuned! I would have already made my sewing creation for this week if I hadn't left the handful of zippers, eyelets and snap studs that I bought on the backseat of The Boyfriend's sisters' car this weekend. She lives about 6/8 hours away, so this presents a problem. Anyway, I'm hoping this list will inspire me to do something with my free time, and to finally do some things that I've been thinking about for a long time. What do you guys do when you start feeling like you need to shake things up?

Until next time, xo.

Happy Mothers (And Almost Mothers) Day

Photo by Jonne Naarala

Hello there lovelies,

Today is Mother's Day in Australia, so firstly I'd like to say Happy Mother's day to all the Mum's that are out there. You are doing possibly the hardest job in the world, and you're all amazing.

But I'd also like to say Happy Mother's day to some other people. I'd like to say Happy Mother's day to all the women who have suffered miscarriages, still births or the death of a child. Don't let anyone tell you that your loss is insignificant, or that it doesn't count. Don't let anyone belittle you, or tell you that it shouldn't hurt. Don't let anyone make you feel like you should be ashamed. Spend today however you feel is best - watch movies and paint your nails, or go rollerskating, or grieve. Ask any supportive family members to take care of you for the day. Go out to dinner, or spend the day hugging someone you love. But most of all, remember, this is your day too.

Happy Mother's day to all of you.

Until next time, xo.