The Joke's On You

The first time I watched through Season 4 of Gossip Girl, something made me really angry. It wasn't the the numerous plot holes (I'm cool with those), or the fact that one of the characters can apparently send text messages from prison (his prison obviously just has really good cellphone options), or the fact that everyone on the show falls in and out of love quicker than a normal person can pee. It was this one line, that came out of Blair's mouth in passing that was the culprit: "Needy dogs are the perfect cause. And they're so much cuter than the babies with cleft palates that you were going to give the money to."

That made me furious. I actually saw red. I felt like throwing things at the television, writing sternly worded letters to some writers, and perhaps even tracking Leighton Meester down & slapping her for having the audacity to agree to saying the line. It took me a long time to sit & think about whether my reaction was justified. It certainly hurt me to hear that babies with clefts are somehow less attractive than puppies, but I'm fairly certain that no one wrote that line to hurt me personally. I'm fairly sure that it wasn't necessarily meant to be hurtful at all, but was merely meant to be a joke - even if in bad taste - coming from the mouth of a particularly bitchy person.

That got me thinking even more - is it ok to joke about disfigurement? The hours that I've spent crying about why my face looks different to other people's & the years that it has taken me to accept my face suggests that this isn't a topic for humour. But, we seem to joke about everything else on television. Whole shows hinge on jokes about people being fat, or stupid, or nerdy, or unfashionable, or ugly or somehow different to everyone else. Where do we draw the line? When is it ok to joke about the traits of a person, or their appearance, and when does it become offensive?

I was certainly offended that someone would joke about a condition that has profoundly affected my life, but I don't know that most people would have even noticed the comment, let alone remembered it. Is is an offensive comment just because I was offended? Is it just a stupid joke that shouldn't get me so butt-hurt if someone else found it funny? I don't think I should have to accept these kinds of comments. I think they further the idea that people born with a cleft lip and/or palate are disgusting, ugly and somehow less than other people.

I suppose in the end, all I can say is this: I was born with a cleft lip & palate. There's nothing I can do about. I couldn't change it even if I wanted to, and it really offends me when people make jokes about it. People will say these things, and worse, and sometimes even try to take pictures of my scars on public transport because they think it's somehow funny, and other than getting really pissed off, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. Living with this can be hard, and ill-placed jokes like these just make it harder.

On Moving Forward & Letting Go

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Moving forward is hard. At some point in our lives we all experience something, or get attached to someone that we just can't let go of. No matter how hard we try life becomes complicated, and sometimes we try our hardest to hang onto those complications because they mean that things don't have to change. Sometimes - most of the time - it's easier to cry ourselves to sleep, or to replay a scene in our head in a million different ways, or to just sit & wonder, "what if?", than it is to pick ourselves up and move forward. Advice columns & agony aunts make it seem so easy, but letting go can be one of the hardest things you will ever do.

Of course, it may be easier for things to stay the same, but if they do then things never get better. We never stop crying ourselves to sleep, or running through all the ways that things could have gone, and we could take up forever with our wonderings about all the differents paths that we could have taken. If you're in the process of letting go & moving forward, then I only have one main suggestion: be kind to yourself. Cut yourself some slack, go a little easier on yourself this time. You may know that things need to change, but there isn't any way that they can all change at once. Take some time to do things that make you happy, even if they aren't necessarily moving you in the right direction. Even if you just change one little thing at a time, in the direction that you want to go, you'll get there in the end. It might seem like everyone around you is getting there faster, but remember life isn't a race. You're entitled to move at your own pace, and work through whatever is holding you back at a speed that suits you.

As a secondary suggestion, I would say this: don't torture yourself. Sure, if you'd done that one thing differently ten years ago then maybe your life would as perfect as you're imagining that it would be. Chances are that isn't the case. Chances are, you'd be dwelling on some other past event that would have most certainly made your life perfect if you'd done things differently. Don't beat yourself about about what could have been, or what you should have done, or the way it was meant to be. You can't do anything about your past, but you can work with now. You can decide that "now" will be better. You can decide that today is the day that you let go of your past, and move forward.

Until next time, xo.

Merry Christmas?

Hello there lovelies,

I hope you all enjoyed your Christmas day, whether you actually celebrate Christmas or not. I don't celebrate as such. I always feel a little awkward at this time of year actually. I'm too old to believe in Santa Claus, and as much as it makes kids happy, I feel bad lying to them about it. I'm not religious in any sense of the word, and neither are any of my family members. Christmas has always been a special time of year in my family, despite the irreligiousity of my family. We never went to church, but we did get together as a family, eat a load of nice food, and spend the day together. It doesn't happen as much as it used to, now that my family lives so far away from each other, but it's good when it does happen.

When I was younger, we always used to watch cheesy movies like The Santa Clause, starring Tim Allen, and Home Alone, starring Maculay Culkin. I still love those movies, even though they're not really the same once you grow up. Sometimes, I feel a bit nostalgic for Christmas as a child. I don't know that any adult experience really measures up to being a little kid on Christmas morning. But then, things are always better when we remember them fondly than they actually were. Working in retail never did much for my Christmas spirit as an adult either. Everyone is so pushy, angry and rude at Christmas time. So concerned with getting the right gift, that they don't realize all that shopping time would be better spent with the people they're buying the gifts for.

I don't believe in Santa, or Jesus, or the enforced giving of gifts. But I am nostalgic for that time with all my family around, and the feeling that magic can happen, even if it is only one day a year. These days, this is my favourite Christmas song:

I hope you all enjoyed your celebrations, and enjoy the rest of your holidays.

Until next time, xo.

Adjusting To Change & What It Teaches

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I've never been a big fan of change. I was terrified of the idea of going to high school. My parents decided we were moving to Hervey Bay, and I had to be dragged along kicking & screaming. When high school finished, I cried for a week. I cried for much, much longer when my dog died. Moving to Brisbane to go to University was one of the hardest things I've done. Moving in with The Boyfriend was a huge adjustment (lucky I love him so much), Even when I was miserable there, the idea of dropping out of my University degree filled me with dread - it meant change. But at the same time, there are lots of ways I have wanted my life to change. I've wanted to be better at socialising, to have more friends, to be more involved in my community, to make a career change, to spend more time being creative and mostly, just to live a more magical life.

Moving to Clermont was a terrifying decision for me. The life that The Boyfriend & I had in Brisbane wasn't working, and we were feeling terrible there. But making the decision to change everything took me a long time. Together, we managed to get it into my head that moving so far away was a good change, and that our lives would be much better because of it. It was a chance to start over, to shed all the baggage that had been weighing us down, and to make those changes that I've been wanting for a long time. I was sure that as soon as I got to Clermont that, magically, things would be fabulous straight away. Somehow, everything would be just the way I wanted it immediately. When it didn't work out that way, it made me sad for a while. Part of the reason this blog was idle for so long was that I didn't have any inspiration to post, and spent most of my time bemoaning how inspirational Brisbane was.

Then I realised something. Yes, Brisbane was an incredibly inspirational place to live. But did I ever really take advantage of that? Not really, no. I spent most of my time talking about how inspirational it would be to be somewhere else. It occurred to me that I've spent a lot of time hoping that the changes I want in my life will happen on their own. But changes don't happen on their own. If you expect them to, then you just end up doing the same thing over, and over again, and wondering why nothing is changing. There have been so many times when I've read about a musician, or a book, or an event, or a place, and thought "I'll look into that eventually" - but I never really do. And then I wonder why I haven't heard any new music, or read any amazing books, or been to any cool parties, or taken any trips in so long.

I don't need to move back to Brisbane, or anywhere else to make those things happen. I just need to take advantage of the things that I have at my disposal. I may not be able to study a Photography degree here, but I can take amazing pictures that I couldn't in Brisbane. I may not be able to go to a new show every weekend, but I can find those musicians & artists that I'm interested in online. I can join clubs, and go to community events, and take people up on invitations. I can plan trips to all the amazing places that aren't far from Clermont. I can order new books online, or even read them online. I can find inspiration on blogs, and Tumblr, and youtube. My life is only going to be as good as the effort I put into making it good. I want to make this move an incredible decision, and I'm going to try my best.

Change, I have realised, doesn't happen on it's own. Change takes courage, conviction and determination. You have to be willing to work at change. You have to be willing to make the change happen. As Mahatma Gandhi once said, "You must be the change you want to see in the world."

Until next time, xo.

A To Z

Me & my wonderful Dad.

Hello there lovelies,

Oops! I only just realized that I never ended up showing you photos of my university graduation. I even wore a really cute dress, and high heels and everything. The Boyfriend took lots of wonderful photos, but unfortunately I can't show you any right now. That's the downside of film photography - or at least the downside of the negatives/slides being in Clermont, and me being in Brisbane. I can give you that one photo (courtesy of Mum's iPhone), and this cute A to Z thing I snagged from Lady Smaggle.

A. Age: 22, turning 23 in November.
B. Bed size: Queen, but I really wish we had a King. It wouldn't really help with sleeping space, since The Boyfriend & I are cuddlers, but I still want one.
C. Chore that you hate: Washing dishes! I'll do anything else - cleaning toilets, changing cat litter, taking out the rubbish - just don't make me do the dishes!
D. Dogs: As long as I can remember I've had a dog. My first dog was named Tessy Bessy. She was a miniature fox terrier that I used to push around in a pram, and dress in baby clothes.

Tessy Bessy in her pram & clothes.

E. Essential start to your day: Cereal, and a whole lot of fruit. Blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, oh my.
F. Favorite color: I'm still getting used to liking colors other than black, white and grey. I am loving jewel tones, burnt oranges, and fire engine reds at the moment though.
G. Gold or Silver: I used to really hate gold, and love silver, but now I like both fairly equally.
H. Height: I'm around 5'5 or 5'6. I can't remember exactly what, and it has been forever since I measure my height.
I. Instruments you play: I used to play the violin, and fairly well at that. I'd love to get back into it, and I'd love to learn how to play guitar. I'm also quite handy with the drums on Guitar Hero.
J. Job title: Ladieswear Department Head (and in a week, unemployed).
K. Kids: I'd love them, but not right now. I'm still far too selfish to be completely responsible for another human being.
L. Live: Brisbane, and soon Clermont.
M. Mother’s name: Christine, but everyone calls her Tina.

Me & my babe of a Mum.

N. Nicknames: Pippin. Go watch the movie The Fellowship Of The Ring. Fast forward to the scenes that take place in the mines of Moria. Watch the character Pippin touch a skeleton, send it falling noisily into a large pit, and bring all the orcs of Moria bearing down onto the Fellowship. Cue my friends saying, "Stacey, that's something that you would do". Come over to my place, and watch me run into the same door frame a few times, and you'll understand what they mean.
O. Overnight hospital stays: Many. I've had 12 surgeries now. Not all of them required overnight stays, but some required more than one night. The last one was in 2006.
P. Pet peeves: Rude, mean, petty people.
Q. Quote from a movie: The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again - Brad Pitt, in Troy.
R. Right or left handed: Left, but I'm also a weirdo. I write left-handing, throw right-hand, bat left-handed. I can't use a regular potato peeler, but I can use regular scissors.
S. Siblings: One little baby brother. Who is, of course, 18 and stands head and shoulders over me.

Me & my little bro.

U. Underwear: Sexy (sorry Mum). I love gorgeous lingerie, and wearing it makes me feel more confident.
V. Vegetable you hate: I really don't like peas. Or pickles.
W. What makes you run late: Not being able to pick an outfit. Or sometimes I make myself really anxious, and I just can't leave the house.
X. X-Rays you’ve had: Lots. I've had plenty of x-rays for dental purposes, and one when we thought I had broken my ankle. I'm sure there are others that I can't remember as well.
Y. Yummy food that you make: My fried rice is absolutely boss.
Z. Zoo animal: I love monkeys & apes, they're the most intriguing animals. I'd love to go to a zoo where I could actually see lions & tigers & things though.

Until next time, xo.

In My Skin

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Hello there lovelies,

I've talked before about what a battle it has been to start feeling at home in my own skin. For most of my life I've felt out of step. Not quite right. However, body image has only ever been part of the struggle. The bigger enemy has always been depression. It is hard to feel at home within yourself when it feels like there is something hiding inside you, and it doesn't want you to be happy - in fact, it kind of wants to hurt you. This thing twists, and changes shape, and you can never quite get a handle on it. It preys on your worst fears, and convinces you that they are true. That you are ugly, worthless, unlovable. It makes you feel defective. Broken. Alien, in your own body. This thing makes it almost impossible for you to do the simple, everyday things that other people take for granted. It makes forming relationships hard, and keeping them harder - it makes you unreliable, because you don't know when you will be you, or when you will be it.

The thing that lives inside me is coming out fairly often at the moment, but I'm slowly getting it under control again. I hate that I'm quite obnoxious to be around at the moment. I change my mind far too frequently, often dissolve into hysterical crying fits, and can't see the bright side of any situation. I don't feel much like myself at all, but more like an Xbox-generation version of Gollum. It's hard to blog when I feel this way, because I have always intended for this blog to make people feel better, not worse. The worst thing about depression is how alienated it makes me feel. It is hard for a lot of people to understand the very real physical effect of this psychological weight bearing down on your shoulders. It is even harder to try and explain it with any degree of accuracy.

But, I kind of think that if all of us came out and talked about depression - our depression, friends, family, acquaintances depressions, fleeting depressions, chronic depression - that it might make all of us affected feel a little less alien. A little more at home within ourselves. So, even though I'm doing it very ineptly, here I am. Talking about my depression. So that anyone else out there reading this, and going through the same things that I am will know they're not alone. They're not broken, or defective, or aliens, or monsters. They are not their depression. Just like me, they just need a some help, and some time to feel at home in their own skin.

Until next time, xo.

Dancing in the Street (Or Clothing Racks)

Hello there lovelies,

I have spoken about my incredible love (interchangeable with the phrase "unhealthy obsession") for Glee. So then, imagine how throughly excited I was to find out that my cheesy sing-a-long favourite on the work play list of music was actually from Glee! I know, I know, I'm way behind the eight ball on this one.

If you're lucky enough to wander into my place of work in a quiet period when this song plays, you may see something like this (only with more singing, more clumsy movement and the fake-microphone-hand):

This is totally normal, right? Everyone does this at work, right? Nope, only me? Oh well then. I guess you need to be incredibly awesome to embarrass yourself at work by getting caught bopping along to Glee tunes. Incredibly awesome.

Until next time, xo.

Another Rambling Ramble

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Hello there lovelies,

I promised more rambling, and I always make good on my promises. I cooked dinner from scratch tonight. I know that won't sound like a big deal to some people, but I haven't properly cooked a meal from scratch since high school Home Economics classes. It was much simpler that I had envisioned. Meat, vegies, noodles, tomato paste, soy sauce, and half an hour later I'd made a stir-fry. Mine isn't the one in the picture, but it did look incredibly similar. It wasn't difficult, or particularly time-consuming, and there were no tears (and surprisingly little sweat) involved. In fact, I'm left wondering why I ever bothered buying stir-fry sauce in packets or jars. The more I research recipes, the more I wonder why I have ever bothered to buy meal bases, or pre-made pasta sauces, or anything of the like.

I suppose we have to believe that these things are hard. Otherwise supermarkets wouldn't be able to sell their pre-made things. I think that people my age are especially vulnerable to the marketing. We've grown up in a generation that always needs more, and wants it all now. It's normal for us to want "the next big thing", and buy now, pay later. We're taught to like things that minimize the time we have to spend doing anything -prepackaged foods, remote controls, "drive-thrus". I think I'm a pretty good example that this doesn't always work for us. Having a house full of things didn't make me, or The Boyfriend any happier. It just made us feel cluttered, and wasteful.

Although The Boyfriend & I deciding to simplify was motivated by wanting to save money, I'm actually really enjoying getting back to basics. I'm enjoying it way more than I ever enjoyed ordering pizza. I'd forgotten how much I love cooking. I'd forgotten how much I love eating fresh vegetables. I'd forgotten how much I love to take care of things, and watch things grow. This weekend I plan to dive right back into baking, and I really want to try my hand at making my own soap (although the combination of me and caustic materials may be dangerous). At the moment, I have three favourite parts of the day. The first one is in the morning, when The Boyfriend & I head out to tend to our little vegetable garden (and our worm farm). The second one is coming home to cook dinner. The Boyfriend washes dishes, while I potter about the kitchen with my recipe book making a meal. The third one is heading off to bed and falling asleep in The Boyfriends' arms. One of the hardest things for me to remember is how little it actually takes to make me happy - when I forget about trying to force my happiness.

Until next time, xo.

Another Ramble of Rambling Proportions

Hello there lovelies,

This isn't my usual fare, but I've had a lot of things on my mind lately. I'm hoping that if I let all of those things spill out onto a (web)page that it might help me sort things out in my head. The Post Secret image up there pretty much sums up the way that I'm feeling at the moment. I'm struggling again at the moment. Despite my life being pretty damn great in the scheme of things, I'm feeling more and more like I did about two & a half years ago, when I went through a pretty major stage of depression, and panic attacks.

It sounds cliché to say, but all those little things really build up, don't they? The Boyfriend has now been out of work for a few months, and it seems like a situation that is likely to continue. Not through any fault of his mind you, but the job market in Brisbane seems so tight right now. So many people are looking for work, everyone is desperate & almost at breaking point. I am basically on the minimum Australian wage in my retail job, and well over half my wage every week is spent on rent alone - add groceries & fuel on top of that, and there's pretty much nothing left. On top of that, our plans for moving to Wagga Wagga fell through about a month ago - the house we were going to move into is being sold, and we no longer have the funds to finance moving anyway. I have been sick for coming up on two months now. Of all things, pretty much the basic cold virus is wreaking havoc on me. Apparently, my immune system must be fairly weak at the moment, so if anyone so much as sneezes in my direction the virus flares up again.

Anyway, I'm not only here to ramble about how crappy I feel - I'm also here to ramble about what I'm doing to try and make things better. The Boyfriend & I have a master plan, which involves him getting a particular job in the next six months and getting me set up to start studying photography at the beginning of next year. This master plan hinges on two things - firstly, we need to cut back our costs of living (groceries, debts, phone bill etc.) considerably, and The Boyfriend needs to lose about 20kgs to qualify for the job he wants. We've been taking steps to get there. We had a little bit extra cash in the last few weeks, thanks to The Boyfriend being smart enough to get credit card insurance & a particularly lovely Centrelink lady. We've used that little bit extra to set ourselves up with a vegetable garden & a little herb garden. We've been able to eat some of our own vegies & herbs already, and it really helps with the grocery bill. We also got a bit of a worm farm going, for compost & liquid fertilizer. Does it make me weird that it actually makes my day nicer to take care of the worms? It does? Oh ok.

The point of all this rambling is that I want your help! Working in retail for so long now has made it a lot harder for me to "think thrifty". Of course, being depressed hasn't helped - at the moment simply cooking a meal seems like such a insurmountable task, and my creative energy seems to have run away. I'd like your help with getting it back. I'm trying to rearrange my thinking by surrounding myself with people (& blogs, for that matter) that are positive, inspiring, and encourage me to do things myself, instead of bitching out & spending money that I don't have. If you have a favourite DIY blog, or a cooking blog, or a crafty blog, or a second-hand super heroes blog, I'd love the link! If you have awesome recipes, or thrifty tips to share, I'd love to hear them! Basically, if you have any advice for The Boyfriend & I about cutting back expenses & living a simpler life, then I'd really appreciate it.

Until next time, xo.

P.S. Don't be surprised if I produce more rambling on this topic in the near future.

It's Story Time

Once upon a time, there was a girl who owned an incredible pair of pants. They were made of the finest black corduroy, and purchased from place of wonders known only as "K-mart".

But one day, the girl suddenly became afraid to wear the incredible pants. She was sure she had gained weight, and in turn terrified that the pants would no longer fit. When she went to her wardrobe she avoided the pants, even though she could think of many great outfits for which they were sorely needed. In time, she even considered getting rid of the pants, rather than trying them on and being forced to face her fear that they may no longer fit.

Then the girl awoke one morning and thought to herself, "you're being absolutely ridiculous, just go & try on the damn pants. If they don't fit, you can go to K-mart and procure more pants." So, now completely unafraid she strode over to her wardrobe and tried on the damn pants.

What do you know, it turns out that the incredible pants had fitted perfectly all along. The girls' fear had been entirely in her head, and robbed her of precious incredible pants-wearing months. And besides, even if the pants hadn't fitted, it was nothing to be afraid of - there are always more incredible pants in the world.

The moral of the story, dear readers, is that you should not let your fears stop you from doing anything that you want to do (or, of course, from wearing incredible pants). Often it turns out that the only place your fears have any true power is in your own mind.

Until next time, xo.

What Is Fat?

Hello there lovelies,

I just read a rather interesting post, by the lovely Corrine of Frock & Roll, and it really got me thinking. In fact, I thought so much that I couldn't just leave a comment on her beautiful post, I had to write my own. This is the question Corrine asked that really got me thinking: "Size is a difficult subject to discuss, but honestly, I'm INTRIGUED. What is ''fat'' to you, and when does a person become ''fat''?"

I find this a rather difficult question to answer. I don't think that there is one exact point where we can say that a person becomes "fat" - or overweight, or underweight for that matter (over and under what weight exactly?) One person can be very different to another person of the exact same weight. "Fat" to me seems to be a perception rather than a particular size, or number. There isn't a strict limit, where on one side you are "skinny", but gain one pound and you're "fat". It is a notoriously hard topic to discuss though, because the word fat has become synonymous with calling someone ugly, lazy and unhealthy - none of which are necessarily true.

I have to wonder if it really matters. We as a society spend a lot of time fussing over whether we are "fat" or "skinny", and a lot of time fussing over whether other people are "fat" or "skinny". We have whole industries devoted to making us feel bad about "fatness", and bad about "skinniness" - usually so that we will then buy whatever product they are marketing to smooth us out, or curve us up. People seem to take other peoples' "fatness" as some kind of personal insult. Firstly, I don't believe we have any reason to be fussing over what anyone else is or isn't, because that is first and foremost their business. But beyond that, I don't understand why we are so worried about whether or not we are "fat". If we are happy & healthy, does it really matter if we are also "fat"?

My body works the way that it should. I fill it with enough good, nutritious food that I don't feel hungry. I run, and lift weights most days. I do yoga, I dance, I play with my dog, I go hiking, I ride my bike. My body fat percentage is higher than the "ideal", and I have a BMI of 26.4, putting me a little into the overweight category. I wear an Australian size 12-14, when I could once wear an 8-10. Now, I could let that ruin my life and spend all my waking hours trying to fix it - which I have done in the past - or I can accept it, and go on living fabulously, having fun, and loving the life (and body) that I have.

I've posted this video before, but it really says how I feel far more articulately that I ever could.

No matter what your size, I believe you are worthy of respect. I also believe that you are beautiful. But now, what is your take on this issue lovelies? What is "fat" to you?

Until next time, xo.

Is This What A Feminist Looks Like?

Hello there lovelies,

I just finished reading an amazing post by the lovely Vix, of Vintage Vixen with her answer to this question. I particularly love this quote:

"Who knows? I'm a feminist and this is how I choose to present myself to the world. I dress in a way that makes me feel fabulous and confident. If others don't approve that's their problem, to me feminism is about celebrating womanhood and having the freedom of choice our grandmothers' never had."

I used to feel like I had to dress in a particular way to be taken seriously as a feminist, or simply to be taken seriously as a woman. I used to feel like being a feminist meant that I had to look down on women who dress in particular ways, or liked particular things, or pursued particular careers. But now that I am older I realise that feminism is primarily about choice - about having the freedom to make choices that were denied to other women because of their sex. I am not more of a feminist in pants than I am in a frock. I would not be more of a feminist if I became a scientist than I would be if I became a kindergarten teacher. No matter what my life choices, I am always a feminist. I will loudly defend my right to be taken seriously, and treated with respect, no matter what I am wearing.

I believe in equal rights for all people, regardless of sex, race, sexual orientation, or any other differentiating characteristics we as human beings might have. All of us deserve to be treated as equals. And if anyone takes me less seriously because of my interest in fashion & what-not then that is their problem, not mine.

Until next time, xo.

Ramble of Rambling Proportions

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Hello there lovelies,

Just a note to begin with: I'm sure you will be disappointed to know that this post has nothing to do with owls, despite the owl picture. I just fuckin' love owls, ok? Alright then, now that's sorted let's move right along. I've been blogging here for almost two years now. Crazy huh? I don't know if I've ever mentioned that I started blogging as a tactic to help manage my depression. When I started I was between jobs, completely broke, having panic attacks and without any idea of what I wanted my life to be.

As silly as it may sound, the blog gave me a reason to get up in the mornings (and, as gross as it may sound a reason to shower and get dressed). I purposely picked fashion & style as a blog topic because I enjoy talking about it, and it was safe. Fashion was something I could concentrate on that didn't make me freeze and panic about the future. I still love fashion, and style, and I still spend hours obsessing about clothing and designs. But that's not all I am y'know?

Honestly, I've been feeling like I'm stifling my voice a little to only write about one topic. Thus, in the near future you may notice a bit of a direction change for this humble blog (or maybe just more inane rambling). Either way, I want it to reflect the whole person I am a bit more, and be more of a record of me. Perhaps more like a journal? I'm not really sure.

But we'll see lovelies, we'll see.

Until next time, xo.

The Only Coat In The World

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Dear Magical Handing-out-designer-coats Fairy,

Please leave this amazing coat under my pillow. I will promise not to say "I Don't Believe in Fairies" and kill you. Or you know, I at least promise to clap enough to bring you back to life. Just bring me the coat, ok?

Love,
Your totally-not-homicidal-friend Stacey.

Post, In Which There Is Rambling.

Photo by me.

Hello there lovelies,

Things aren't always going to be easy. Life isn't always just going to go your way, and sometimes you will feel like you're pushing shit up hill. You will be overwhelmed. You will feel like you're all alone in a crowded room. You will feel like today is the worst possible day that you will ever have. You will feel frustrated, and empty, and cry until your eyes stop making tears. You will scream, you will swear, and you will punch the walls. You will want to tear your hair our, and yes, at times, you will probably wish you were dead.

At times, you will also be overcome with joy, and amazed with everything around you. You will smile, and laugh until you feel like you couldn't ever be happier than you are at this moment. You will dance, and cheer, and hug your friends like it's the last time you'll get the chance. You will love, and be loved with a fierceness & tenderness that you could never imagine. You will find happiness in the simplest things. There will be days where everything goes exactly the way you plan, and you feel like you could walk on water. You will feel strong, and fulfilled.

But, as I am discovering at the moment you don't really get to choose when these days come. I apologise if I have been a little quiet on the blog front this week. I recently found out that a good friend of mine is pregnant. While this is amazing news, it knocked me for a six in a way that I never counted on. Not many people know that, had things gone otherwise, The Boyfriend and I would be parents right now. When we had just met, we were young and silly (not to mention careless), and I fell pregant only a few months after we started dating. We were ecstatic, and and terrified, as most people are in that situation. But, not even two weeks after we found out, I miscarried. For a long time, I couldn't bear to sit next to a stranger's baby on a bus, let alone talk about children, or baby-sit. But after a while, the pain lessened and I could stand to be around children again. Pregnant women even. But hearing that this close friend of mine is pregnant - well, it feels like I just had the stitches ripped out of an old, puss-filled, searing wound.

Nonetheless, I know that this intense pain is a passing thing. Soon, I will be just as intensely happy as I have even been, and I'll probably be throwing around crafty ideas about things to make for the baby. Anyway, my point - you can't choose when life will open up these old wounds, or "thow you a curveball", if you like that metaphor. What you get on any particular day is always going to be a bit of a lucky dip. But, no matter how horrible things get, they can get better. To delve back into the metaphor, how you choose to ride the curves is all up to you. I choose to see that the bad times can, and will end. And as such, I accept that the good times will always end too. But that doesn't mean it's not worth trying to make them good.

Until next time, xo.

On life, the universe and everything (Or maybe just happiness)

Hello there lovelies,

I've been neglecting this little blog again, but then I've been finding it hard to blog and maintain my positive attitude lately. For awhile, I was ashamed of that. I felt like I'd failed - after all, I'd just been through six months of deep depression, and then come out ecstatic about life again. Being unhappy, even for a second felt like I was failing. Felt like it might start me spiralling out of control again. To get metaphorical on you, my life lately has been feeling much like the staircase in the picture above. I'm enjoying the scenery and the climb, but when it boils down to it, I feel like I have no idea where the staircase is going, or how many stairs I have left to climb. I'm trying to find my direction, or any direction that feels right. Anyway, I'm not trying to dwell on the negatives here. What I am trying to say is that it's ok to feel this way. Really. No matter how much more focused, or accomplished anyone else seems to be, it's ok for you to have no idea what the hell you're doing. It doesn't matter what your friends have done, or what things they have that you don't. You don't need to feel ashamed about not knowing quite where your life is going. You'll get there.

And I'll make an effort to stop feeling bad about it.

Until next time, xo.

Steam Train Saturday!

Hello there lovelies!

I've just gotten back from my long steam train journey to Toowoomba for the Carnival of Flowers - seriously, we left at just after 7AM this morning, and got home around 7:30PM, long day. But it was well worth it! The heritage steam train was gorgeous, and awesome fun, and the gardens in Toowoomba were amazing. Those gardens were precisely what I needed to pick up my mood from the last few days, and the steam train ride had me smiling the whole way. Anyway, I'm incredibly tired, so I'm mostly going to let my photographs do the talking today.

Our train!

The Boyfriend and I in our finery.

Outfit Rundown:

Headscarf: Grab Accessories, $5?
Dress: Target, $28.88
Tights: The front of some magazine, free
"Help Me Paris" Necklace: Emily The Strange keyring + The Boyfriend
Bracelets: Made by The Boyfriend

A few shots from some of the prize-winning gardens.

Until next time, xo.

Your Mission

Hello out there lovelies,

Your mission for today: challenge yourselves. Do something that's exciting and scary for you! Start a conversaton with a total stranger, wear an insanely huge and obnoxious hat, learn a new skill (sewing, making awesome coffe, changing a tyre, riding a motorcycle perhaps?), take a class (pottery, film-making, massage?) or dive out of a plane if that's your thing! I started small: I wore shorts today. Short ones. I haven't worn shorts this short since I was a newly-teenage teenager. Hey white legs!


Get out there and live your lives! Just go crazy - life is too short to sit around wishing you were out doing exciting things. Don't settle for normal and don't just get by. Be the most amazing person you can be, everyday of your whole damn life. You owe it to yourself to enjoy every interaction, every moment, every breath. Challenge yourself to make every day exciting, and better than the last. You won't regret it, I promise. You'll feel like a whole new person. And, you will be.

Until next time, xo.

Horrifying Trends That I love #2 - Gossip Girl

Hello there lovelies,


I can't believe it's Sunday already, and here I am with another shocking confession. I'm totally addicted to this utterly horrible television show/phenomenon. That's right, I'm talking about Gossip Girl. It all started with a free DVD on the front of Dolly magazine. I mean I had to watch it, it was free! After that I spent the next week counting down until the first series was released on DVD, then ran out and bought it on the day it came out. THEN, I spent the entire weekend while The Boyfriend was at work watching the entire series back to back. Oh the shame, oh the horror. I think I've watched the whole series another ten times since then. I am in serious need of a GG Anonymous Meeting, or an intervention or something. There's just something about shocking drama, impossible lifestyles and freaking fabulous outfits all thrown together with an evil edge that makes this show better than the average teen offering. Without further ado, (and before I make much more of an ass of myself), it's gratuitous pictures of what makes me love Gossip Girl time. Enjoy!

"I'm Chuck Bass."

"Haven't you heard? I'm the crazy bitch around here."

Maybe Jenny isn't the most exciting character, but she does get the best outfits.

Did I mention outfits?

Until next time, xo.

Positivity Goals

Hello there lovelies,

You know, one thing I don't think many people realise is that maintaining a positive outlook takes a shitload of work. Optimism has been a rather steep learning curve for me. I suffered from depression for most of my adolescent life, and recently I've been through a rather heavy rough patch that forced me to confront some painful personal demons. I know there is a great deal of debate about the merits of blogging about your negative experiences going on at the moment. It's all good in theory - but no one really wants to hear the gritty details of your struggle with mental illness, or your failing relationship. Or at least I don't really want to hear about it, and I can't say I expect anyone to really want to know how many days I spent in bed sobbing, unable to drag myself out from under the covers. I think the real attraction is hearing how people have picked themselves back up from these experiences, as it makes us feel that the world may not be such a hopeless place after all. Now I'm no shining example of positivity. But I'm trying, because I feel being positive is a much healthier way to live. So rather than dragging my readers down by detailing how much things have sucked in recent months, I'd rather tell you all about how I'm picking myself back up. Basically, I like glitter, I eat cupcakes, I wear tutus - and shit has happened to me. I just don't think you really need to hear about it. I'd rather you left my blog smiling. So, without further ado, here are my personal positivity goals (or, things I'm doing to keep a smile on my face, expand my horizons and generally make the most of my life):

1. Read more often, as it relaxes me.
   Next on the reading list:
   The Subtle Knife - Phillip Pullman
   The Amber Spyglass - Phillip Pullman
   American Psycho - Bret Easton Ellis
   Ninteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
   Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk
   The Clan of the Cave Bear - Jean M. Auel
   


2. Try new types of exercise to find some that makes me feel good, instead of dragging myself though the "I don't want to gain weight" ritual .
   This quest has led me to yoga, pilates and hip-hop dancing - all of which I was afraid to try, and now completely adore. Next I want to try Tai Chi, some of the Les Mills fitness classes, and perhaps capoeira?
   


3. Develop my sewing skills, with the intention of opening a business.
   I'm really going to give this business thing a shot. I've always wanted some kind of creative occupation. I've been sizing up sewing classes, fashion courses, business courses and prices for overlockers all over the joint.
   


4. Don't take my friends for granted.
   I tend to isolate myself when I get upset, and then beat myself up about having no friends. However, when you never respond to messages, phone calls, or invitiations it makes sense that they stop arriving, no?
   


5. Change my thought patterns & control my emotions better.
   I'm working really hard on this one, as I can be very critical of myself. I'm also a very "all over the place" person. I can go from being happy to sad and back again in the space of ten minutes. Really, I just want to be a bit more balanced, and a bit less tempermental.
   


6. Resume my healthy eating patterns.
   I just want to pay a little more attention to what I'm putting into my body, as it has such an influence on my energy levels, and how I feel.
   


7. When I see something and think "that'd be cool to try", try it.
   I'm one of those people who will find things that I think would be really cool to try, but I feel silly about trying them, or I don't know anyone else doing them, so I don't do them. Basically, I want to start saying yes to doing more of these things - I did it with Yoga, and now I really love it, so I'm hoping I might find some more hobbies in the process.
   


8. Accept more invitations & bother less with negative people.
   I want to start getting my social life back on track, so I figure I have to start accepting more invitations and stop making excuses. I've been doing it lately, and gotten to know a new friend in the process. Also, along the same line, I want to waste less of my energy trying to be friends with people who really can't be bothered giving me the same effort.
   


9. Pay more attention to personal grooming.
   Just to clarify, I haven't stopped showering or anything like that.
   Start this with:
   Taking better care of my skin
   Taking better care of my hair
   Brushing my hair more often
   Doing my nails
   Dying my hair more regularly
   Etc. etc. etc.
   Just little things that make me feel more confident out in public.
   


10. Learn to forgive & accept myself.
    The hardest thing of all in some ways. I want to learn to let go of my past mistakes, and stop dwelling on them. I am not the same person now that I was then, and that is alright. I don't have to worry about that person reappearing, and I don't have to beat myself up about things I can't change. Just accepting that everyone makes mistakes is easy - but accepting that I make mistakes is really hard for me. And of course, just remembering that I am who I am, and I don't need to make excuses or feel bad about that.

Here's to a better and brighter future, ay? Apologies if my musings are a little heavy for this time of night, haha.

Until next time, xo.