In My Skin

Image.

Hello there lovelies,

I've talked before about what a battle it has been to start feeling at home in my own skin. For most of my life I've felt out of step. Not quite right. However, body image has only ever been part of the struggle. The bigger enemy has always been depression. It is hard to feel at home within yourself when it feels like there is something hiding inside you, and it doesn't want you to be happy - in fact, it kind of wants to hurt you. This thing twists, and changes shape, and you can never quite get a handle on it. It preys on your worst fears, and convinces you that they are true. That you are ugly, worthless, unlovable. It makes you feel defective. Broken. Alien, in your own body. This thing makes it almost impossible for you to do the simple, everyday things that other people take for granted. It makes forming relationships hard, and keeping them harder - it makes you unreliable, because you don't know when you will be you, or when you will be it.

The thing that lives inside me is coming out fairly often at the moment, but I'm slowly getting it under control again. I hate that I'm quite obnoxious to be around at the moment. I change my mind far too frequently, often dissolve into hysterical crying fits, and can't see the bright side of any situation. I don't feel much like myself at all, but more like an Xbox-generation version of Gollum. It's hard to blog when I feel this way, because I have always intended for this blog to make people feel better, not worse. The worst thing about depression is how alienated it makes me feel. It is hard for a lot of people to understand the very real physical effect of this psychological weight bearing down on your shoulders. It is even harder to try and explain it with any degree of accuracy.

But, I kind of think that if all of us came out and talked about depression - our depression, friends, family, acquaintances depressions, fleeting depressions, chronic depression - that it might make all of us affected feel a little less alien. A little more at home within ourselves. So, even though I'm doing it very ineptly, here I am. Talking about my depression. So that anyone else out there reading this, and going through the same things that I am will know they're not alone. They're not broken, or defective, or aliens, or monsters. They are not their depression. Just like me, they just need a some help, and some time to feel at home in their own skin.

Until next time, xo.

Another Ramble of Rambling Proportions

Hello there lovelies,

This isn't my usual fare, but I've had a lot of things on my mind lately. I'm hoping that if I let all of those things spill out onto a (web)page that it might help me sort things out in my head. The Post Secret image up there pretty much sums up the way that I'm feeling at the moment. I'm struggling again at the moment. Despite my life being pretty damn great in the scheme of things, I'm feeling more and more like I did about two & a half years ago, when I went through a pretty major stage of depression, and panic attacks.

It sounds cliché to say, but all those little things really build up, don't they? The Boyfriend has now been out of work for a few months, and it seems like a situation that is likely to continue. Not through any fault of his mind you, but the job market in Brisbane seems so tight right now. So many people are looking for work, everyone is desperate & almost at breaking point. I am basically on the minimum Australian wage in my retail job, and well over half my wage every week is spent on rent alone - add groceries & fuel on top of that, and there's pretty much nothing left. On top of that, our plans for moving to Wagga Wagga fell through about a month ago - the house we were going to move into is being sold, and we no longer have the funds to finance moving anyway. I have been sick for coming up on two months now. Of all things, pretty much the basic cold virus is wreaking havoc on me. Apparently, my immune system must be fairly weak at the moment, so if anyone so much as sneezes in my direction the virus flares up again.

Anyway, I'm not only here to ramble about how crappy I feel - I'm also here to ramble about what I'm doing to try and make things better. The Boyfriend & I have a master plan, which involves him getting a particular job in the next six months and getting me set up to start studying photography at the beginning of next year. This master plan hinges on two things - firstly, we need to cut back our costs of living (groceries, debts, phone bill etc.) considerably, and The Boyfriend needs to lose about 20kgs to qualify for the job he wants. We've been taking steps to get there. We had a little bit extra cash in the last few weeks, thanks to The Boyfriend being smart enough to get credit card insurance & a particularly lovely Centrelink lady. We've used that little bit extra to set ourselves up with a vegetable garden & a little herb garden. We've been able to eat some of our own vegies & herbs already, and it really helps with the grocery bill. We also got a bit of a worm farm going, for compost & liquid fertilizer. Does it make me weird that it actually makes my day nicer to take care of the worms? It does? Oh ok.

The point of all this rambling is that I want your help! Working in retail for so long now has made it a lot harder for me to "think thrifty". Of course, being depressed hasn't helped - at the moment simply cooking a meal seems like such a insurmountable task, and my creative energy seems to have run away. I'd like your help with getting it back. I'm trying to rearrange my thinking by surrounding myself with people (& blogs, for that matter) that are positive, inspiring, and encourage me to do things myself, instead of bitching out & spending money that I don't have. If you have a favourite DIY blog, or a cooking blog, or a crafty blog, or a second-hand super heroes blog, I'd love the link! If you have awesome recipes, or thrifty tips to share, I'd love to hear them! Basically, if you have any advice for The Boyfriend & I about cutting back expenses & living a simpler life, then I'd really appreciate it.

Until next time, xo.

P.S. Don't be surprised if I produce more rambling on this topic in the near future.