Christmas Pondering...

Hey there lovelies,

First of all, Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate it. I don't celebrate Christmas in any religious sense (usually it ends up being another excuse for my family to get rip-roaringly drunk together), but I do have plenty of fond memories of Christmas day. Seeing all my extended family members, my brother & I dunking each other in the pool, playing boardgames with the little kids, and awkwardly sitting at the "grown-up" table. But more than anything else, as I've grown older Christmas day has ended up becoming a time when I reflect on the previous year, and all the things I have learned. And boy, have there been a lot of lessons this year.

If you've been around for awhile, you'll know that this year hasn't been the easiest year for me. I lost my job just before last Christmas, and it took six months to find another job (or, one that wasn't spending between 20 and 40 hours a week folding & delivering catalogs for about $100). Once again, I struggled with depression, lost interest in the things that make me happy, and began to question my future. I had two panic attacks, and saw a lovely psychologist. I've fought with good friends, had incredible trouble making new friends and felt like The Boyfriend was the only person in the world who cared about me. I spent many days in bed crying because I couldn't bring myself to get up. Then I got a new job, but The Boyfriend and I ended up working opposite hours, with me unable to sleep in the nights he was gone. I felt guilty, because I'd promised myself I wouldn't be depressed again, but it just seemed to happen. Then, last month The Boyfriend lost his job in some really fucked up circumstances, and just before my end of year exams, meaning we've barely had money to pay our bills, let alone buy Christmas presents (or any luxuries for that matter). I also weigh nine kilos more than I did this time last year.

But, the main thing is, I've learned. Sure, life kicks you in the shins, trips you when you aren't looking and then kicks the shit out of you while you're on the ground wondering what the hell just happened. But getting back up, well that's up to you. I've learned that I can't just keep laying on the ground, waiting for life or the universe to send me all the answers. By getting back up, I've chosen to move forward. By accepting that sometimes life sucks, I've realised that it doesn't always suck. I've learned that you really have to work for the best things in life. Job opportunities, good communication with your partner, happiness, self-acceptance - all these things take work, and no one else is going to give them to you. And just because these things sometimes escape you, that doesn't mean that you've failed. It just means that you get back up and keep damn trying. Usually when you work hard at something you are rewarded, and just because this doesn't always happen, that's no excuse to stop trying at all. We all have our own personal demons, but if we refuse to face them then we can never move forward. We just get stuck facing the same problems over and over again.

At the beginning of this year, I felt like my life was broken. I felt like there was no way all these problems could be mended. Emotionally, I hit rock bottom and I've been spending the rest of the year building myself back up. And don't get me wrong, I can see why people find it easier to just stay there. I've had to be honest with myself about many aspects of me that I don't really like. I've had to be ruthless with myself, and I've had to make really hard decisions that I couldn't run away from, or pass off onto someone else. But I am stronger, I am wiser, and I know myself better than before. I am in no way perfect - but I am improving. Sometimes, I fall apart and feel like I'm back where I started from, but every time I pick myself up it isn't as hard.

I'm not going to do what I usually do, and violently exclaim that next year better be nicer than this one. It's not that this year didn't suck big sweaty balls - it totally did. But, if it wasn't for this year I wouldn't have learnt a multitude of things about myself, and about life. The way I see it, the harder the lesson is to learn, the more valuable it must be. In the words of Thomas Edison:

Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they
were to success when they gave up.

What about you? Has this year been hard, or easy? And what have you learned along the way?

Again, Merry Christmas, and until next time, xo.